Feeling lonely and isolated? Wondering what to do about it?

Community and loneliness

I have been reflecting on the modern world and its impact on our sense of community.

Community used to be something that was a natural and intrinsic part of society. During ancient times our instincts drove us to be around others and we formed tribes. Being part of a tribe is what enabled us to survive as a species. We needed one another for protection, to build shelter and to obtain food.

In modern society, we don’t face the same challenges as our ancient human ancestors did. However, if we don’t feel a part of a community we can feel isolated. It’s thought that isolation and loneliness can be a large contributing factor to both poor mental and physical health.

Before the industrial revolution people were born, lived and died within their close-knit communities. People grew up together and knew each other their whole lives. Religion often played an important role in the community too. During the 16th century, science became more prominent and many people started to lose their connection with the spiritual aspects of themselves and the support that organised religion gave them.

Then with the rise of the industrial revolution transportation links improved. It became easier for people to travel and move away from the locations they’d grown up in. Families and friends moved from the place they’d grown up in to obtain better jobs. As a society, we started to become more segregated, individualized and more lonely.

I believe that some of the problems faced in the modern world are due to this lack of community. It’s a time where jobs are unstable, people are forced to move to keep ahead of the game and may end up many miles away from those they know and love. This lack of community can bring about loneliness, lack of purpose and low self-esteem. Loneliness is a serious issue and is often cited as one of the largest causes of premature death.

I remember growing up in a little village. It had local village shops where the store owners knew their customers by name. I spend my early years with the same school friends and I knew all my neighbours. My next-door neighbour became Santa at the local village hall every year, there were local fundraisers and village fetes that brought local residents together. There was a strong sense of camaraderie, support and common purpose.

I moved from this village at the age of 12 to a larger town. It was a culture shock to go from being part of a community to a more impersonal world of a bigger town. I started a new school where friendships had already been forged. Neighbours kept themselves to themselves and there was very little in the way of community projects. Where I’d once had a community I now had a much smaller network of people to interact with. I would often lose myself in books to distract myself from feeling lonely.

I went to University at 19 and suddenly my social life became a lot richer. I joined societies and I met people with common interests and goals.

This experience taught me that when the community may no longer be on my doorstep it was something that was still out there. I’d gone from village life where the community was an organic and a natural occurrence, to realising that if I still wanted to still feel a part of something that I would need to make an active effort to find it.

The Empty Self

There was a psychologist and a historian called Philip Cushman who coined the term ‘the empty self’. Cushman said:

It is empty [the self] in part because of the loss of family, community and tradition.  It is a self that seeks the experience of being continually filled up by consuming goods, calories, experiences, politicians, romantic partners and empathic therapists in an attempt to combat the growing alienation and fragmentation of its era.

The lack of a sense of community, Cushman believes, leads people to try and fill this emptiness from external sources. Some people turn to benign sources to try and fill this gap, but others may turn to drugs & alcohol, gambling, shopping addictions, self-harm, and at the worse end of the spectrum even to suicide.

There have been many incredible developments and discoveries made throughout the modern age. We have far better medical care, appliances that make life more convenient and incredible technological advancements. Yet such progress has impacted many peoples sense of community. Quite often it’s easier to send a text message or an email than it is to have an actual conversation with someone. Whilst advancements have improved things for many of us, it begs the question of how this has increased individualisation and loneliness and what we can do about it?

Shifts towards addressing loneliness and community

I recently heard that GP’s are now prescribing parkrun for depression. Parkrun is a weekly walking/running event that takes place at 9am every Saturday. Parkrun isn’t just about running or walking, it’s about a community that is inclusive and encourages everyone regardless of your level of fitness. Durham has a parkrun and there are many other parkruns both nationally and internationally.

I was in a cafe recently that had a table in the centre of the room. This table was for people who were on their own but wanted to chat with others. It seemed very well used. I wish this was implemented in more cafes and public places.

There are now befriending services for the elderly through organisations such as Silver Line and Age Concern.

The internet means it’s easier to find groups and societies that bring people together through common interests.

Volunteering can be a helpful way of feeling involved with the local community. Volunteering often comes with the opportunity to meet others and to feel a part of something.

Blocks to joining social and community groups

Whilst community used to be something that was there for us from the moment we were born, it is now often something that has to be sort out. This is not always an easy task if you are struggling with difficult emotions.

Social anxiety can make joining and being part of groups feel uncomfortable or overwhelming.

If you’re feeling lonely you may also be experiencing low mood. Low mood can make it difficult to get the motivation and energy to find and join in with social or community-based activities.

Counselling might be helpful if you’re feeling lonely or if you’re struggling with low mood or social anxiety. Therapy can be a chance to figure out a new direction or to gain confidence to engage in social situations.

If you are impacted by loneliness, feeling unfulfilled or experience difficulties in social situations and you’d like help with this I offer face-to-face, online and telephone counselling. You can find more details on my ‘About counselling & Psychotherapy’ page or by getting in contact with me.

Cushman, P. (1990). Why the self is empty: Toward a historically situated psychology. American Psychologist, 45(5), 599-611.