Anger Management Techniques
Anger is often perceived as a negative emotion that is linked with aggression and harm. However, anger is complex and multifaceted. It can provide an important function in certain situations.
Anger can be a helpful emotion when it pushes us to make positive changes in our lives and the lives of others. It only becomes an issue if you respond to it in a way that hurts yourself and those around you.
As children, we’re rarely taught how to safely express and manage feelings of anger. It’s no wonder many people struggle with it.
I hope this article can provide some balance in how we view anger. I also offer tips and suggestions for managing anger so it can be expressed, released and used productively.
Understanding and controlling anger
This blog is made up of four sections:
Understanding anger - Anger has the potential to be a helpful or unhelpful emotion. The first part of this blog will discuss this in more detail. I then offer some reflective questions to help you to better understand your anger;
Anger management - Offering tips and suggestions for controlling anger;
Creative methods - For exploring and releasing anger;
Vignettes - giving examples of how anger management can be used in real-life situations.
1. Understanding Anger
1(a) How anger can become unhelpful
Anger has a bad reputation and many people have a difficult relationship with it. Yet it’s a natural and valid human emotion just as sadness and joy are.
Often, as children, we’re taught it’s wrong to show anger. Over time we learn that it’s not okay to express this emotion and try to suppress it. It can then build up and come out as rage, simmering resentment, or passive-aggressive behaviour. None of these are helpful and rarely lead to the resolution of an issue.
If anger is repressed and turns to rage it risks injuring all parties concerned, yourself included. You could then be left with feelings of shame and low self-worth. This could then create a vicious cycle of suppressing emotions, outbursts of anger, and more shame.
For others, repressed anger could have other personal consequences such as withdrawal, feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem and putting up with poor behaviour from others.
I remember as a child, I was given a clear message that anger was not acceptable. This message came from teachers, family, media and society. My anger was met with punishment or rejection. I began to suppress my anger, rather than learn how I could express it healthily. This suppressed anger would manifest as resentment or negative thinking about myself.
What I was not taught as a child, and have learned as an adult, is anger is not a bad emotion. It can be a beneficial and helpful emotion to feel. I discovered anger could work for me rather than against me. Embracing my anger I was able to stand up for my rights, set boundaries, and release strong emotions.
1(b) Helpful vs Unhelpful Anger
Anger is on a scale that can range from feeling irritated to full-blown fury. Anger can be either helpful or harmful depending on how it’s expressed. There are many unhelpful styles of reacting to anger, such as passive-aggressiveness, suppression, aggressive confrontation, and holding onto resentments. Yet there are alternative ways of managing anger so that it can be channeled and used productively.
Anger has the potential to empower us and take action. It can be used to defend ourselves and those close to us. It gives us a voice to express unfairness and inequality. It can bring people together to fight against social injustices. Anger can improve our relationships and allow us to get our needs met.
However, there can be a less positive side to anger. Anger can become destructive, where it causes issues for the angry person and those around them. The potential consequences of dysfunctional anger may result in job loss, relationship breakdowns, or sustained unpleasant feelings.
Constructive anger is:
Proportional to the event;
Expressed in a non-harming way e.g. communicating assertively;
Leads toward a resolution of an issue;
Expressed soon after it arises.
Dysfunctional anger is:
When it feels out of proportion to the event;
Harmful or hurtful to yourself and/or others;
Doesn’t lead to a resolution of the issue;
The feelings of anger persist long after the event;
Anger is suppressed.
1(c) Reflective questions on Anger
When trying to understand anger you might find it helpful to ask yourself the following questions:
How was anger expressed in your family?
How was anger dealt with at school by teachers or peers?
What were the messages you were given as a child about your own anger?
What triggers you to feel angry?
How do you react when you feel angry?
Is how you react helpful?
If you react unhelpfully what are the payoffs of expressing anger in this way?
What are the consequences of how you deal with anger?
Have you had a situation in the past where you were angry but you dealt with it in a way that led to a helpful resolution?
You might find reflective journal writing or therapy a good place to explore your relationship with anger.
2. Anger management and tips to control anger
There are many different ways to manage anger. Often it’s a matter of trying different techniques until you find what works for you. In this section, I cover:
Reflective journaling;
Anger diary;
Assertiveness;
Breathing Techniques;
Exercise;
Taking a time-out;
Mindfulness and meditation;
Therapy;
Unsent angry letter;
Drawing angry feelings;
Creating a collage
2(a) Keep a reflective journal
Writing down your emotions may help to discharge the intensity of your feelings. Writing also has the potential to increase your self-awareness. Increasing your awareness around anger is often helpful for understanding your triggers and the reasons you react the way you do.
I’ve written a short guide to starting a reflective journal if you’d like more information on this.
2(b) Keeping an anger diary
This is more structured than reflective journaling. It might help you to find patterns in your anger and become more aware of what is going on for you at that moment. As you gain more awareness you can start to choose how to respond to similar situations in the future.
In your diary keep a record of what happened just before your anger became difficult to manage. Make a note of
Anything that was said;
What was going on in your environment;
What emotions were you experiencing?
What thoughts did you have?
What physical sensations did you experience?
At what point did anger tip over to feeling out of control?
How you would prefer to respond in the future?
It takes time and practice to learn to respond to triggers in a different way. Try not to beat yourself up if you fall back into old patterns. Continue to log and reflect on what happened and what you would like to happen. If you feel over time nothing is shifting you might want to consider therapy.
2(c) Learn assertiveness skills
Communicating assertively allows you to express yourself clearly and openly. This can be a more helpful way to communicate than shouting, being passive-aggressive, or bottling up how you’re feeling.
Assertiveness and effective interpersonal communication is something that we’re rarely taught. However, there are plenty of resources out there that can help with this:
There’s a book called ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Ann Dickson that some people have found helpful, but there are many others out there;
You can sometimes find courses on assertiveness;
There’s also a lot of useful information that can be found on the internet. The Centre for Clinical Interventions has a free workbook called ‘Assert yourself';
Therapy can be another resource for developing assertiveness.
2(d) Breathing techniques
Breathing techniques can be a helpful tool for regulating and calming our emotions.
Try making your out-breath longer than your in-breath. For example, breathe in for a count of five, pause for one, and then breathe out for seven. The exact count doesn’t matter as it is more about making sure you exhale for longer than you inhale. This is the opposite of what our bodies automatically do when we are angry. By consciously changing our breathing it signals to our body that we no longer need to be angry.
It isn’t always easy to remember to focus on our breath when we’re feeling intense emotions. The key is to practice breathing techniques regularly so that it becomes a habit. Maybe aim to take a few conscious breaths three times a day when you are feeling calm. Then start to incorporate it into other situations that have a more emotional charge to them.
2(e) Exercise
Sometimes high-intensity exercises like running, dancing, or skipping can be helpful. This helps to use up the excess energy that your body feels when angry.
Only do intense exercises if it is safe for you to do so.
2(f) Take time out
The moment you notice you feel angry immediately walk away from the situation. This will give you space to ground yourself and reflect on the situation.
If possible, let the person know in advance that if you start to feel angry you’ll walk away. This helps others to understand what’s going on. If they understand your motives it reduces the risk of them running after you or thinking you’re storming off.
During your time-out, you might find it helpful to reflect on or journal:
What can I do at this moment that will help me feel calmer?
Is how I’m feeling in proportion to the event?
Are there any other feelings in addition to the anger?
What are my physical sensations?
What are my thoughts?
What is it I’m really angry about?
How can I respond to this situation in a way that is going to be helpful?
Hopefully, this will help you feel calmer and have a clearer perspective on what happened. Then you may want to address and discuss the issue with the person you felt angry towards.
2(g) Mindfulness and meditation
Mindfulness might be a helpful technique to increase your self-awareness and let go of strong emotions.
It also helps us to develop the skill of being able to step back and view a difficult situation from a more grounded perspective.
Stepping back can be useful for making more conscious choices in how we want to respond to situations that trigger feelings of anger.
You might be able to find a local class offering Mindfulness sessions. If not, there are many resources such as the Calm App or Headspace.
2(h) Counselling
Talking with a therapist can often be help people to figure out what leads to certain reactions. It might also help you find more constructive ways of expressing how you’re feeling.
Sometimes anger is accompanied by feelings of guilt or embarrassment and negative thoughts about the self. Therapy may help you to understand yourself better so you’re able to feel more compassionate and kind towards yourself.
In some cases, anger is the result of unresolved issues or traumas from the past and it can be masking other feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, and sadness.
I offer appointments face-to-face, by phone or online. You can contact me if you would like to know more about therapy or if you want to book an appointment.
2(i) Write an angry letter
Unsent angry letters can be a great way to express pent-up anger safely. It can be a space for you to freely describe what you think and feel about a person or a situation that might otherwise be difficult to express verbally.
Writing things down might also help you to gain insight and find a way forward. See my blog on journaling for more ideas on how to use writing as a form of expression.
Tips for writing an unsent letter:
Find a space that’s quiet and where you’ll not be disturbed;
The letter should be focused on one person or situation only. If there are multiple people you’re angry with write a separate letter for each;
The letter is never to be sent;
Grammar, punctuation and spelling are not important;
Write quickly, let the words flow rather than thinking too hard about it;
Don’t censor yourself, just write whatever is coming up in its raw crude form;
The letter is for you only. However, if you have a therapist or someone you can trust then you may want to share it with them;
The letter can be destroyed. As you destroy it imagine all the angry feelings dispersing with the letter;
If you don’t want to destroy the letter, make sure you store it securely.
2(j) Daw your angry feelings
Drawing can also be used to express anger (and other emotions). You don’t have to be a great artist to use creative techniques. The idea is that it’s a medium in which you can express and release difficult feelings.
No one will see what you’ve drawn unless you wish to show someone you trust. This is for you and you alone, so whatever you draw is a meaningful and creative expression of how you’re feeling, regardless of your artistic abilities.
Tips for drawing angry feelings:
Find a quiet space where you can be alone and undisturbed;
Get in touch with the thoughts, feelings and physical sensations of the anger;
Draw, paint, and scribble your angry feelings into a visual representation;
Take a deep breath;
Take a moment to review what you’ve drawn and how you’re feeling now;
You can then choose to keep or destroy the image. If you decide to destroy the image, imagine all of the angry feelings disappearing along with the image.
2(k) Create a collage
If you have a pile of old magazines you can use them to create a collage that shows how you’re feeling.
Tips for creating a collage:
Find a quiet space where you can be alone and undisturbed;
Get in touch with the thoughts, feelings and physical sensations of your anger;
Cut out images that you’re drawn to;
Once you have a good selection of images, stick them onto a large sheet of paper;
Take a moment to review the images you’ve selected and your placement of them. You might want to ask yourself the following questions:
Is there a common theme in the images you selected? If so what does this mean to you?
How have you placed the images? Are they clumped together, or are they spaced out, is there a pattern on how you’ve placed the images?
How do you feel as you look at your collage?
You can then choose to keep or destroy the image. If you choose to destroy the image, imagine all of the angry feelings disappearing along with the image.
3. Putting anger management into practice
If you feel drawn to any of the suggestions above, or if you can think of other things that might be helpful, the next step is putting them into practice. The more we practice something the more of a habit it becomes and the easier it is to remember to do these things when we most need them.
I will use the breathing exercises as an example. It’s a good idea to regularly practice this technique when you’re not feeling angry. It’s easy for our breathing to go out of the window when we feel intense emotions. However, if we’ve regularly practised the breathing technique it becomes more accessible to us when we need it.
Examples of anger and using anger management tips
I’ve created three characters, Abigail, Claire, and Edward to demonstrate some of the unhelpful ways that people can react to their anger and the impact it has on them:
Abigale: Someone pushed past me in the supermarket, I was fuming and I made a bit of a scene. The other person apologised and said they’d not seen me, but I just felt angry and I couldn’t let it go. Everyone in the shop was looking and I now feel embarrassed and ashamed.
Claire: I was late leaving the house as I slept through my alarm and then I couldn’t find my car keys. Traffic to work was worse than usual due to roadworks. I arrived at the office later than planned and felt very stressed. Just as I sat down at my desk someone came to ask me a question and I snapped at them. It wasn’t my colleague that I was furious about. I was stressed from this morning and I ended up taking it out on the first person who spoke to me. Now my colleague is upset with me and I feel bad about this. I’m also frustrated that my snappy reaction has just added to my already difficult morning.
Edward: I seem to keep reacting over the top at the slightest little thing. My girlfriend and I are constantly arguing because of it. I’m worried about the strain it’s putting on our relationship. I also feel bad that I keep upsetting her. I don’t know why I feel angry all of the time.
Now we revisit the same characters after they have started to apply some of the suggestions in this blog:
Abigail: Since the incident at the supermarket I’ve been practicing Mindfulness and keeping an angry diary. I’m now able to recognise what I am feeling sooner so I’m able to make a more conscious choice on how I react to it. If the situation at the supermarket happened again I’d be able to realise what happened was just an accident. I would be able to accept the other person's apology instead of reacting so strongly.
Claire: Since that morning in the office with my colleague, I’ve been working on how I respond to others when I feel stressed and angry. I’ve been practicing the breathing exercises and I find them helpful for calming me down. If I were to repeat that morning I believe I’d be able to take a few calming breaths before entering the office. Instead of snapping at my colleague, I’d be more assertive by letting them know that now was not the best time and suggesting they return in an hour.
Edward: I've been keeping a journal and an angry diary to gain some clarity on why I react in the way that I do. I am slowly starting to notice the signs of when I’m starting to get angry. Rather than starting an argument I now either take some time out and journal or go for a run. I’m then able to communicate more calmly. This has improved my relationship with my girlfriend as we argue much less now. I’ve also started counselling as I’ve realised that there are a lot of unresolved issues from the past that I’ve not dealt with.
Final thoughts
It can take time to fully understand aspects of yourself such as anger. It’s often an emotion many of us don’t want to acknowledge in ourselves. It can also take time to change patterns of behaviour that we’ve learned from a young age.
Remember to be kind to yourself when using any of the suggestions to control your anger. It takes repeated practice and commitment for new behaviours to stick. Also remember to recognise any changes you do make, however small, as progress is still progress. You might find you make progress and have a setback, change is not a linear process, so don’t be too harsh on yourself if that’s the case.
Counselling may also be able to help you understand and find healthier ways of expressing your anger. I offer face-to-face, telephone and online counselling. If you have any questions or want to book an appointment please contact me.